Kaboom

I love Ace of Spades. If you haven't been to this blog, and you're here, jesus god how did you stumble here before going there? It's not really possible! Anyhoo...

Ace has some of the more insightful essays in general. But today's essay on Kaboom cereal is a little baffling. Yes I know it's for humor but it goes on. And on. AND ON. It wasn't that memorable of a cereal Ace.

Kaboom was for people -- children, I mean -- who had decided to give up on life. And it's a sad thing for a six year old to have already thrown in the towel and said, "Ah well. The hopes and dreams of kindergarten are ultimately exposed as so much folly. Give me the Kaboom, Ma. I'm ready to settle."

Because that's all such a cereal is fit for, those who settle, who accept, those who lower their gaze in defeat and shame. This, this horrid Clown Cereal that looks like it's some kind of weird generic brand but it's actually marketed by General Mills. I suppose this was General Mills' attempt to tap the "downscale demographic" in six-year-olds.

First of all, children hate clowns. All children. There's a joke that everyone's afraid of clowns. Well that's not true. But everyone does hate them. Children most of all, because clowns get up in your grill with horrible jokes and diseased breath, eyes glassy with vodka and pedophilia.

So who's this cereal for exactly? I suppose clowns might buy it for their victims and abductees, but that's not a large market. Well, not that large, anyway. Couple hundred thousand units a year, tops.

And it goes on like this. For pages. I suppose I'm happy that we didn't do anything like pass a bill or bomb Syria or discover the Morlocks are at war with mole people that we can waste time like this.